She reads this blog too, so, I hope she doesn't mind me posting this. I won't use names ;)
During a chat with a friend of mine she made a question/comment, "Do you ever get that feeling you're being thrown under a bus?" I come back with the answer of, "Yes" and I do have that feeling a lot. In fact, so much I don't even think about it anymore. The conversation continued on with comments here and there, but the one thing that really made me think was she was willing to welcome loosing everything for a clean slate. Now, that's just paraphrasing, and don't read to deep into it. The way it made me think was this, maybe loosing everything isn't such a bad thing. She was talking about being strong with it, ready for the challenge. She had such a strong and confident attitude towards it I was almost cheering her on like, yes, do it, loose everything, take the challenge. Then, my response back to her of, "I can't handle loosing one more thing" made me see something in myself that I haven't been able to see, after everything I've been through, maybe I CAN handle loosing one more thing.
I've had some very dramatic looses the past couple of years, nothing to go into, but, they were dramatic and life changing. I was fighting depression due to it, and came close to giving up. Something in me, maybe my husband, maybe my children, kept me going. I don't know what, maybe it was my deep seeded belief of a life lesson I must learn. I don't know what kept me going, but I continued, blind a lot, but I was moving.
The past few months have been wonderful, finding a balance with work, family, and my very active spiritual life now, and it hasn't been easy, but, for some reason, this time around, I'm not worried. I told her I understand how she feels on the bus comment because I'm always used to the good things I get going bad, my bubble popping. This time, I don't have that worry, and if I did, I think it would be like her, I would feel it, but instead of freaking out over it, I would be in a "bring it on" state of mind like her.
You never know when an idle conversation can make a person think about themselves. I've been going 90mph lately, haven't stopped to see how I'm doing on my trip, just enjoying the ride. Enjoying the ride, and not worrying about the pot holes, is a first for me. So, yea, I think I'm right there with her, if things are gonna throw me under the bus....BRING IT ON!!!