Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The losing of the Matriarch..

I'm going to say what has been said before many times by many moms, "being a mom is hard work" The reason I'm repeating it is because I'm wiping away the old and allowing myself to see clearly.

Ok, I'm speaking in code, let me be more clear

I'm refocusing myself to put more into being a mom and wife because I've neglected my position in the home. I know, it sounds archaic, however, there is a point here that isn't as archaic as you think. As you all know, I took my kids out of school in February of 2011, and have been just letting them "detox" from the high pressure and rigid rules of public school. It's been good, and they have been happier, in a way, but, I've been having a hard time adjusting. Since I work from home, and have been for the past 5 years, I was used to having them at school and me being able to get a lot done. Since they have been out of school, well, it's been like summer vacation, a very long summer vacation, lol. Now, kids are going back to school, and here I am still on summer vacation hours.



I kept pushing myself to work, work, work, and I was feeling pressure from my "paying" job, my personal job, our business, workshops, spiritual classes, and I knew I had to get all those taken care of, I just HAD to. We had to live, I wanted to build my healing practice, Roger and I both wanted the business to take off, and I have been working for my place of High Priestess in the Pagan community for almost 20 years. I just had to do everything on the list, I was so close to completing everything. Except I was neglecting something, and I knew it. I was neglecting my kids, my husband, my home, myself.  I had allowed so much pressure in my life, I was no longer able to accomplish anything. I was behind on class work, I was not making the commission from my paying job like I used to, and was neglecting my employees, the business was just sitting there, and my workshops, well, I was getting those taken care of, but, I was always waiting till the last minute. I was on a downward spiral personally, and I didn't know how to stop it. The harder I worked, the faster I fell. Admitting the truth, I was feeling like a failure, embarrassed a lot for being slow or forgetting about things, and crying myself to sleep... a lot.

I began to let things go, little by little. I stepped down from management, I backed away from forcing myself to study every night, and was allowing myself to study as I was able to. I backed down on some groups I was trying to become an active part of, the business website, I stripped, and am rebuilding it little by little, dropping the etsy store, but, I was still fading fast. I would wake up, take out the dogs, feed the dogs, grab my coffee and get on the computer.....and sit. I had NO attention to anything, I was a zombie. The paying job was still failing, my business still sitting there, my spiritual studies, still behind on, and my family, still without me. My plan wasn't as successful as I thought it would be, but, I soon learned why.

A few days ago, I was looking in the frig for food and all the healthy stuff, fruits and veges had gone bad, but the crap had been eaten. I was watching the kids, and they were eating buttered toast for breakfast, and Kathleen was even skipping meals. Roger came home, and ate junk, and just sat and watched TV till he got tired, which was till around noon sometimes. that meant he would sleep till 7 or 8, get up, still tired, and not be worth anything. Even the dogs weren't doing well. Bella, for lack of exercise was gaining weight, and was lazy and cranky, and Banshee, the puppy, was trying to attack and chew EVERYTHING. My house was a mess, dust everywhere, laundry was way behind, and I felt a twinge in my heart.....the matriarch of the household, the balance, ME, had become to busy to love and care for her home. I had neglected my kids, my husband, my dogs, my house, my life I had been building for 15 years. I put everything else in front of what I cared for the most. I wasn't doing it on purpose, I wasn't being mean, or hateful, I was blind and busy, and I finally saw the damage it had done.

I went onto the front porch and drank my coffee and thought about a lot of things. I reflected on the Goddess in Mother form. I thought of what a mother gives up in her life. I even thought about the labels on mothers, (mother, wife, doctor, beautician, teacher, singer, plumber....on and on) I thought about silly things like the jokes you hear about moms, "If mom's not happy, no one is" I also thought about my own mom. Growing up, my mother also neglected me after a certain age. I learned to cook, clean, and care for myself at an early age. When I was in 3rd grade, I was getting myself up, cooking my own breakfast, and making sure I went to the bus stop in time. I don't blame her, understand, I have no anger anymore at my mother, I was just realizing that just because I had to do it, doesn't mean my kids have to. I took them out of school for a reason, to have them home. I'm very protective of my kids, a good friend of mine lightly laughs about how protective I am. I always have my kids with me, and I thought that was enough. It wasn't, they needed ME. Roger did too, he needed his wife. I was always mad that Roger wasn't helping me, but, I wasn't doing anything he could help with. He can't help me with my studies, or my job, or my healing practice, those were my focus. Roger needed me, in his life, caring for him, so he could know how to care for me. I needed to be his wife, so he could be my husband, so we could be partners.

I spent almost all day thinking about all of that, and what to do.I wasn't on the computer much that day, I was quiet, and after a lot of reflection, I figured it out. I needed to bring balance not to my life, but to my home and family. So, I sat, I spoke with the girls and Roger, and I made a choice. Yes, I needed to work, study, build the business, build my practice, teach, and continue to work for being a prominent figure in the Pagan community, but, I need to do all that second, I need to bring back and keep balance and love in my home.

The next day was Sunday, so, I began that day cleaning, and reorganizing my home and family. I woke up, got the girls up, and I made breakfast and we all sat and had breakfast, and the only thing that was on was music. We walked the dogs after breakfast, and  Roger took the TVs our of the girl's bedrooms, ( I was always against it, but, I had former friends who talked me into it and I was never comfortable with it) I cleaned, the girls cleaned, then I made lunch, and we all sat and had lunch, then we finished cleaning, and we were done by 1pm. I then said it's time to relax and Kighla and I sat and watched a little TV, Kathleen went in her room and worked on her book, then it was time to make dinner. Roger was up and came in to help me, willingly!! We all sat, had dinner, then took the dogs for another walk. Roger and I sat together, watched the ball game while the girl's did what they did, and we were laughing, joking and having fun. My home was clean and balanced and i didn't get on the computer once that day.

Monday, ok, I do have to work, so, I made the choice, I make breakfast and lunch for the girls, eat with them, (Roger has breakfast with us) and I won't get on the computer till 1pm to work and i work till 4 or 5. Now, I don't think that is sitting well with my boss, but, I can make it work, and pull my commission I need for me and my family to live. After 5, I'm off again to cook, eat dinner, walk the dogs with the girls, spend time with Roger, and be a wife and mom. Because my family needs me...


There's a lot more changes I have to do in my home. So far, just taking the change of making breakfast, lunch and dinner, eating all 3 together as a family, walking the dogs, and spending time with them has changed the whole energy of the house. I get on the computer to work on things, and I do still have a lot to do. I need to even get the school year finished for the girls. I have organizations to join, studies to do, a website and business to build, workshops and classes to teach, and a job that fits into all of that. Yes, I have a lot, but everything I have, I want and love. I just need to always remember, balance starts in the home. Once you find balance there, everything else will find it's place.

2 comments:

  1. Fantastic post, on a very difficult subject. Some people work all their lives trying to figure this out, hun. Kudos.

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  2. Thank you so much, that means a lot coming from you. I think the hardest thing for everyone to do is to let go of the paying work. We are so over run with bills, groceries, mortgages, that we feel the harder we work the more we will make to be able to live, and that's just not true. We have to work for continues balance and love in our home and the rest will fall into place.

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